The Art of Healing
by A One Girl Revolution
Summary: Sequel to 'The Real Jace', Jace's recovery from the poison and more importantly from his depression and flashbacks to his childhood, with Valentine.
1. The First Night

AN: Okay so this is basically the epilogue (a long epilogue) to The Real Jace, if you haven't read that yet I guess you could still read this but you really should read it first.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Shocker right?

I woke up breathing hard, I realized I was safe, at the Lightwood's in my own bed. I wasn't there, it was just a dream. I was safe. Then I realized I wasn't alone, Clary was curled up next to me, she must have been able to tell that something was wrong because she seemed to be waking up- very slowly- I smiled to myself, she was soooo hard to wake up. I still felt panicky though, 'Chill Jace, it's okay, breath, your safe.' I reminded myself, it didn't do any good, my mind went to the little box under my bed, the one holding my knife... I shook my head, Clary knew about that now, as of a few hours ago, before I would have taken out the knife, and used it as the only way to calm myself. But now- even if Clary hadn't had Alec take it from me- I was surprised to find that although I still wanted to use it it was different this time, this time I had another choice, a better choice, one that hopefully wouldn't make my beautiful Clary cry. I wasn't sure how to go about this...I'd never done this, it felt weak...but no, it wasn't right? I'd always thought the people that said sometimes the strongest thing to do is to ask for help were quite frankly full of ... Beans, yes let's go with beans...but maybe i had been wrong... Maybe.

"Clary? Can I talk to you?" my voice was quiet and sounded scared even to my own ears.

She was awake in an instant, as I had known she would be.

"Jace?" she asked blinking sleep from her eyes, I saw her face change from confusion to worry, as she registered what I had just asked her.

"Of course you can. That's why I'm here remember?"

I did remember, I been trying forget though, I had just wanted one night, one night to be a normal teenage guy -minus the sex, although that didn't mean I hadn't wanted it- it had been going good to, if you didn't count the fact that I still couldn't get out of bed by myself... Alec was being really good about helping me to and from the bathroom but... Anyway... It been going good until now.

I realized I was shaking, she rolled over so that she on top of me, she used her hands to hold herself up so she didn't hurt my chest, the way I usually kept from crushing her.

The warmth and closeness of her helped me stop shaking.

"What is it?" the worry was clear in her voice, I hated to make her worry.

"Never mind, I'm fine now."

"No Jace. Your not. Its okay, tell me."

"I can't, I don't want to worry you."

"I worry more when you don't talk. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that."

"I just, I had a dream... The kind that would have made me..."

"Open the box?"

I nodded.

"The numbness?"

I shook my head, "Panic, it's better now though."

"It's good to know I'm just as useful as a knife.". She kissed me, but this time it was gental and calming. I felt the panic wash away.

"If not more so." I said when she pulled away.

"Flattery will not get you out of talking."

I rolled my eyes. "It was worth a try."

"No it wasn't now spill."

She was so cute when she told me what to do, not that meant I listened to her.

Before long though I found myself talking about my childhood again, for the next few days she didn't leave my side for more than an hour at a time, and I told her so many thing, things I had never spoken of before, things I had tried to keep inside for far too long.

NA: I know it's short, but the flashbacks will be longer. I promise. What did you think?

Oh and the next few chapters will be flashbacks just FYI.

Jace: Come on tell them the truth.

Me: I don't know what you're talking about.

Jace: Tell the truth. Isn't that what you're trying to teach me in the horrid thing you call a story?

Me: No...I'm teaching to talk about your feelings... Are you even paying attention? But fine. I don't even own the Story or the chapter names! I took the names of songs and changed them. Happy?

Jace: Very but I don't know that is legal if you don't say the song and band names.

Me: Fine, The Art of Healing is The Art of Breaking by Thousand Foot Krutch and The First Night is The Last Night by Skillet. Now tell them what I do Own.

Jace Ummm Nothing? Other than this? And the crappy disclaim at the top which is now serving no purpose... Oh and my depression. You own that because it's really yours... It doesn't seem fair that when you write you feel better but make me feel even worse than you did to start with.

"

Me: I own something! I own something! In your face!

Jace: Bye... *walks away.*

lol Sorry this is about as long as the chapter... but it was fun...XD


	2. Must Have Done Something Right

**AN: I am a terrible person. I'm soooo sorry I haven't updated in forever! Like two months or something! There's no excuse for that. XP but I had writers block...and I have a job now...and and and but still no excuse!**

**Song for this chapter is Comatose by Skillet. It's totally perfect for Jace and Clary**  
**"I hate living without you, dead wrong to ever doubt you, but my demons lay in wait tempting me away." See? Perfect.**

I was 10, I saw myself hiding under the stairs, but at the same time I was living it. The only thing reminding me that it wasn't real was Clary snuggled up next to me, but she felt distant, like what was inside my head was more real than real life. I must have been silent for a while because they next thing I knew she was stroking my face whispering that she was there, that I wasn't alone.  
"I can't to this!" I managed to choke out through my terror.  
"Jace breath, Jace look at me." her voice was firm, it cut through the fear, I realized I was shaking.

She rolled on top of me again, kissing me, reminding me that terror wasn't the only emotion left in the world, that love, caring, that good things still existed.

Then she leaned over and opened the dreaded draw.  
"Clary I'm fine!" I said glad I was able to speak again.

"We'll see about that."  
I watched as she took out the thermometer and the blood pressure cuff. She also took out the stethoscope, it was something shadowhunters needed to know how to use, I had tried to teach her once, but she still didn't really get it, didn't quite know she was listening for, so she didn't bother with it, she just took my pulse. I vaguely wondered why she got it out this time but I didn't really think about it much, I was trying to get my vitals under control before she took them, I didn't want her to freak.

She took my plus first, she made a note on the chart.

"So?" I asked  
"So what?" she retorted, know full well what.  
"Are you gonna tell me exactly how bad it is."  
"No, you told me not to, remember?" she asked with a faint trace of a smirk.  
I stuck my tongue out at her and she laughed. "What, are you five?"  
I just smirked back at her, glad she was no longer giving me that worried look.

She made more notes after taking my blood pressure and temperature. Then she put everything away and took out the potion. Shit.  
"Clary, I'm fine." I protested, but I knew she was right, I needed it.  
Once I took it I noticed that the stethoscope was still out.  
She picked it up and put it in her ears, she was so cute, but I wondered why she was doing this. She didn't know what to do with it, not really.  
"You're still breathing much to fast, deep breaths."  
"I'm fine now. Let me try again." I don't know why but I needed to talk, I just hoped I didn't get sucked into the memories again.  
"Jace. Wait a few minutes I don't think your body can take that again just yet. Just a few minutes, okay?  
I knew she was right, she was getting good at this.

"Okay. What are you gonna do with that thing?" I asked gesturing to the stethoscope.  
"Listen to your heart." And she placed it on my chest.  
"Deep breaths." she reminded me again.  
I did as I was told just watching her for a while, I wondered what she was thinking, why she was listing to my heart.  
"Clary, why? You don't even know what you're listening for do you?" I finally asked.  
"I know what I'm listening to though, the most wonderful sound in the world, the sound that means your still alive."  
I just started at her, then I asked, "Can I have it?"  
She took it off and gave it to me looking confused.  
I put it in my ears, "Come here please?"  
I placed it gently over her heart. The sound was calming somehow, but her heart was beating almost as fast as my own.  
"You need to take deep breaths too." I said hating myself for causing her to worry this much  
"I'm fine Jace. The sounds calming though isn't it?"  
I nodded.  
"What if you keep it while you're telling me what ever it is you need to tell me?"  
"It might work." maybe the sound of her heart beat would keep me from getting sucked into the past this time.  
"But first deep breaths."  
"Jace." she said as she rolled her eyes, "I'm fine!"  
"Please, don't make me worry about you more, I shouldn't be putting you through this in the first place!"  
"We already went over this. I don't mind. It's my choice to be here and I would make it a thousand times over. But fine."  
She started taking deep breaths and I felt myself calm down too.

Then I whispered, "Okay, I'm ready now."  
I closed my eyes and let the memories unfold, I started to lose my grip on reality again but Clary must have sensed this as just then she put the stethoscope back over her heart, the earpieces were still in my ears and the sound of her heart beat reminded me of just much I had to live for, how much I couldn't let myself get lost in the past. I know it might sound retarded but it worked.

"Get under the stairs. Don't come out till they're gone." I remember the firmness in his voice, he wasn't kidding, I should have just done as he said.  
"What's happening? Let me help. I can help."  
"No Jonathan, you're all I have, I can't have you getting killed. Now hide, now."

He had sounded like he meant it, like he cared. Yea right. He had killed me. He didn't care. But I had fallen for it. I had fallen for it more than once. I almost had to wonder if I would fall for it again. This day hunted me more than any of the other memories, now that I knew he wasn't my father, now that I knew who he had really been, what he done and what he had tried to do, I shouldn't care about him. I should hate him. Not mourn him. What was wrong with me?

I did as he said. I was terrified. I was never scarred, or I let myself believe I was never scared at any rate. If I showed fear, feeling, weakness he tried to beat it out of me. So I hide my emotions even from myself. Look where that had gotten me.

Clary squeezed my hand, and I went on.

I saw them come in, I saw them kill him, I tried not to call out, I had to put my hands over my mouth to keep from screaming for them to stop.  
They picked up his body and left.

I stayed there for a long time, in shock. I didn't know what to do. Where did I go? How did I go on? These thoughts floated through my head but mostly I just saw my father being killed over and over again.

Then I came to my senses, I had to send a fire message to the clave. So I did.

They came, a bunch of people started asking me questions. They all said I was being so strong, so brave. I didn't think so, I was near tears, but I wouldn't cry, I refused to cry. But I wanted to. How could I be strong when I felt this lost? This weak?

Then Maryse and Robert came. They said they were friends of my fathers they said I was to go live with them.

I stopped, there was more, there was Alec keeping me from feeling totally alone, there was Izzy distracting me with her never ending chatter, there was Max, welcoming me "home" with a hug the second he saw me. He had been what two? I missed him so much I snapped back from the past.  
"Clary. There's something wrong with me. I shouldn't still have feeling for him! He killed me. He never cared about me. He was right though, I am weak."  
"Jace." she whispered wrapping her arms around me, "You care about him because your human, that's people do, they love first person to take care of them, and in some way, some part of him loved you, he was sick and twisted, but he still loved two people, you and my mom. He needed the two of you. But Jace listen to me, there is nothing wrong with. Your perfect."

Right, perfect. That's why I was shivering, laying in bed, unable to get up, needing Clary to keep me going...

"I may be perfect looking, but thats about where the perfect stops."  
She laughed softly at that, "I can always tell when you're feeling a bit better based on your stupid comments.  
She was right, I had always used them to cover up my pain, hide my weakness, but lately, I'd been to lost to even do that.

"Is it wrong that I still have happy memories of living with him? That I still miss living in Ideris?"

"No. That was your childhood, I'm glad there were happy parts. It would break my heart if there hadn't been. You need to rest now, go back to sleep if you can. But how about tomorrow you tell me some of the happier things?"

I don't know why but this sounded like a really good idea to me.

"okay I guess."  
She kissed me again, this time soothingly.  
She snuggled up next to me again and I fell asleep much sooner than to expected to. My last thought was  
'What did I ever do deserve this amazing girl caring so much for me? I must have done something right.'

**Reviews make me happy and inspire me to write faster! Hint hint...lol But any way to you leave a review I'll give you a sneak peek of the next chapter. (You have to be signed in for that to work though just FYI) =D**

**Jace: "Tell them."**  
**Me: "I hate you." **  
**Jace: "No you don't, you love me. All girls love me. Now say it."**  
**Me: "Fine the name of the Chapter is not mine, Its a Relient K song."**  
**Jace: Good girl, now can I go now?'**  
**Me: *Sighs* Fine..."**


	3. A Really Piece Nice of Art

**Okay my darlings! Here you go, a super fast update to make up for last time! Lol maybe now you won't hate me as much. XP**

**Song for this Chapter? Nice Piece of Art, by FM Static. FM Static is amazing! It's the side project of the singer of Thousand Foot Krutch. I have a major crush on his voice if you couldn't tell... XD**

**Elise, thanks for the reviews on The Real Jace! Someone who listens to the same music I do! Yayyy! Lol this makes me insanely happy. Also thanks for the input, I know my proof reading was pretty awful back then. :P Believe it or not I really was trying. I think I'm improving. :) slowly but surely, mostly slowly though. Do you think I'm getting any better at conversations?**

I woke up to find that Clary was already up, she was sitting there drawing. She looked unhappy with how it was turning out. She was concentrating so hard she didn't even notice me staring at her.

"Can I see?"  
Her head snapped around at the sound of my voice and I knew that I had startled her.  
"Its not done yet. And it looks awful." she said sounding upset.  
I grabbed it from her, "Its me!"  
She had been drawing me as I slept, scars, bruises and all, she had even drawn the fresh cut on my arm from the night before - I had chosen to let it heal on it's own, no runes. Somehow doing that seemed to represent real healing- but despite the fact that she showed my flaws, I was beautiful, I mean I knew I was beautiful, but there was something else, I looked...better then I really was...- I don't think that makes sense, but it's the only way I can put it into words, was this the way she saw me? Then I noticed why she thought it was awful. My skin was too...orange.  
"I told you not to look!" she protested.  
"Sorry." I said, but I wasn't. "Is this how you see me? I mean only less oddly colored..."  
"Youre so...golden...it's impossible to get right!"  
I laughed. But I needed to know. "That aside, is this really how you see me?"  
"Yes, of course. What do you mean?" she didn't get it, this drawing showed a side of me even I didn't quite know existed.  
"I mean I look so, vulnerable...but strong...and...so, I don't know...like I'm a better person then I really am."  
"Yes, yes Jace. That's really how I see you, that's really how you are. You can't let anything tell you otherwise."

Two hours later:

"I'm bored." I announced.  
Clary who was been reading glanced up at me. "And what am I supposed to do about that?"  
"Entertain me of course."  
Her phone buzzed. She looked at it and laughed. "While this is entraining, Simon's band is now called The Bloody Moth."  
"That's not entraining. That's just sad." Really the Bloody Moth? Really?!  
"Jace!"  
"Don't deny it."  
She rolled her eyes, "Fine maybe just a little."  
"Do I even want to know why their called the Bloody Moth? Please tell me he didn't start drinking Moth Blood."  
"Ewwww! Jace! That's just nasty!" she gently whacked me with a pillow.  
"Well why then?"  
"Hang on I'll ask." she quickly typed and sent the text.  
A minute later she started laughing again.  
"What did the nerd say?"  
"Well apparently Eric stepped on a moth in his bare feet, they discovered that moths have red blood."  
"Why exactly are you friends with these people?" I was joking-mostly. But really I sometimes had to wonder.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooo

It was good to see him laughing, happy, or at least not staring blankly into space. I knew he wasn't out of danger yet. I wondered how much of right now was as an act. At any rate it was clear he needed a break from talking about stuff. So I let him have it, trying my best to keep everything as normal as possible.

After a while could I tell he really couldn't stand just lying there. I didn't know what to do though, he couldn't start getting of bed till tomorrow, maybe if he didn't have any major attacks before then. Maybe we could play some kind of game?

We ended up playing apples to apples, Luke brought over some clothes and stuff for me so I asked him to bring apples to apples to.

Izzy, Alec and Magnus joined us too. Playing that game with shadow hunters in the weirdest thing ever! I mean they don't know what half the things on the cards even are! Magnus was better though, he knew basically all of them, I guess being thousands of years old has it's advantages.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooo

Clary could tell I was getting sick of laying in bed, I mean it would have been great if Clary was willing spend the whole time kissing-or more- but she wasn't, she was all paranoid about me overdoing it.

She decided that we should play a game, apples to apples...the weirdest game ever! At one point Alec looked at his cards and I saw his face turn bright red, this could be good.  
"What did you get?" I asked him.  
"I can't tell you." he protested. As Clary exclaimed "Jace! No cheating!"  
But Izzy and Magnus knew what I meant. They both lunged for his cards.  
"Ahhh this would be the one." Magnus announced looked delighted.  
"Muguns!" Alec protested uselessly.  
"Breast implants."  
"Clary what kind of games do mundies play?!" Izzy was laughing.  
"I didn't even know there were such things." Alec admitted. That boy is just too innocent for his own good sometimes. I would have said so, but I was laughing too hard, I knew it wasn't really that funny but I needed something to laugh about and this was so worth laughing about.  
Magnus sighed. "Honestly Alec? Sometimes I worry about you."  
"I think Alec lives in a box or something." Izzy decided  
"Clary how could you bring such a disturbing game into our home?" Alec wanted to know.  
I glanced over at Clary, she was laughing helplessly, I think she needed to laugh too, I think we all did.  
"I didn't know! I've never seen that card before! I swear!" she managed to choke out.

They all spent the day in my room, I was surprised at how much fun I had. It was like a minnie party. I was glad I was alive, glad I had my brother and sister and Clary. I still heard the voice of depression, whispering at the back of my mind. If I thought about it I could still feel it, like a heavy weight on my chest, but for now anyway the voice was quite enough to tune out and the weight light enough to ignore. I didn't doubt that they would come back full strength, but I just pushed those thoughts aside for the day. I needed to have a good day, I was going to have a good day, for Clary's sake, but also for my own sake, and because I couldn't let the past control my life any more, it might take awhile, but I would free myself from the past. I had to, for me and for Clary, and apparently for the rest of the world, but mostly for Clary.

**AN: Okay this was mostly just filler, but Jace needed a break, also the disturbing apples to apples card? It's real! I didn't know that till I was playing it with some friends, at a game night thing...at church. For some reason it was a lot more disturbing/funny just because we were at church. XD**

**Reviews get you a sneak peek of the next chapter plus a faster update, I promise no matter what though I wouldn't make you wait two months again. XP If you can hit 15 reviews before the next chapter though I'll do my best to get you another chapter before the end of the week.**


	4. Strong Enough

**So this chapter is also mostly fluff...sorry. I'm not sure where to go with this, it's not done yet, but I'm at a loss. If you have any ideas at all please tell me.**

  
I'd had a good day but now Clary was trying to get me to rest. She wanted me to sleep. I knew she was right. I needed to sleep, but I hated sleeping. More to the point I hated dreams. Even with her there sleep was more like medieval torture. But I hated worrying her, I wanted so badly to go back to normal, or at least my normal which admittedly was mostly just faking being okay.

"Jace, it's 9:00 you should try to sleep." What was I eight? I mean really?  
"Clary chill, I'm fine. Really."  
"There's two times I can read your mind. One: when you lying, and two: when your thinking inaproperot thoughts."

"So about 80% of the time?" I asked amused.

She laughed, "One way or the other yea, about that."

"I don't want to sleep."  
"Nightmares?" she asked knowingly.  
I sighed. "Yea."  
"I hoped it would better if I was here." I wished she didn't sound so disappointed. I knew she was trying to hide it but she couldn't truly hide anything from me any more than I could from her.  
"It is better." And it was. It was still hell though, the difference was waking up from hell to find a piece of heaven next to you was much nicer than waking up to fear that didn't ease up till the blood was pouring down your arm.

She must have known what I was thinking-again- because she reached out and ran a careful finger over one of the many scars she now knew weren't from battle. I felt like I should hate her touching them, knowing about them, but I didn't. In a weird way I liked it. I liked knowing she still loved me anyway. A part of me had been afraid she'd leave me if I told her. I'd lived in fear of her finding out. But now that she knew the truth and loved me as much if not more in spite of my weakness, I felt free. I shivered under her touch. I'd done more with other girls then I had with her, yet only her touch ever made me feel like this. Even if it was just her finger on a scar. The thought of letting another girl so much as look at me made me sick now.

She felt me shiver.  
"Should I not touch them?"  
"Touch all you like. Something good might as well come from them."  
She ran her hands up and down my arms pausing over certain scars, the ones that worried her most I think, also some random ones mostly the one I had given my self when I was in the most pain. She made me feel like they weren't something ugly that needed to be hidden. Like I was beautiful again.  
I mean yea, I was insanely hot, I knew that. But all the girls who flung themselves at me couldn't see my scars. I wondered what they would do if they could. Even Clary, till now she hadn't known where so many of them came from. She she might have suspected, but suspecting is so different from knowing. This made me feel like I didn't need to be quite so ashamed of them as I usually was.

There was one scar I hadn't pointed out the night before, but it was one I gave to myself. It was on my throat, just where my neck met my shoulder. I felt her hand creeping closer to that one. I don't know how she knew, but it was like her hand was being drawn there.

"This one?" she whispered.  
I nodded and she gasped. Even she knew it was a dangerous place, I could easily have gone to far and been unable to use a rune.  
"Oh Jace." she stroked it again. As if she thought that touching it would make it go away.  
I hated this scar more than the others, this one had almost taken my life. I almost wanted to move her hand away from it. But not really, she was erasing the pain, putting good memories with the awful scars on my body.

…...

Years from now when they were married, he would still wake up in fear. It would be less often, less painful but it would still be bad. Yet she never tired of stroking his scars, making him feel beautiful and unbroken again -the way she saw him- and he still shivered under the simple stroke of her finger on a scar.

…...

"Clary." I responded, I really needed to start using more words than just her name.  
She kissed the place where I had almost taken my own life.  
I moaned, "Clary." Well then, so much for using more words... But it just felt so good! Just having her there, knowing she cared.

She lay her head on my chest, careful to avoid the places she knew I was injured, her head just over my heart.

...

I was shaken, I'd known he cut, even before last night I had known. But this was different and there was a cut on his throat! Even I, knowing next to nothing about this stuff knew how close he had come to dying with this one. I didn't want him to see how upset I was. I was afraid I would start shaking or something. So I curled up and lay my head over his heart. That way- hopefully I wouldn't start shaking, and he couldn't see my face. I knew he would be able to to read my thoughts if he could see my face.  
The sound was calming. I needed to hear his heart beating, it was just so reassuring. I knew no other heart had ever - would ever- beat the way his did.

I thought I was hiding my emotions well. I was wrong.  
His hand slipped under the back of my shirt, he began tracing calming circles on my bare skin.

"Clary, look at me."  
I didn't want to. I wanted to hide my face in his chest, loose myself in the sound of his heart beat.  
"Clary."  
I forced myself to meet his eyes.  
"You okay?"  
"If you are." I answered, maybe his hiding your feelings and not talking about them thing was contagious.

"Clary. I know I've made life hard for you lately. I'm sorry."  
"It's just that- I've been so scared of loosing you." my voice broke and I couldn't go on.  
He wrapped his arms around me. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. And it's all thanks to you." I knew he wouldn't- couldn't- be this open with anyone else and it made me feel a bit better that he trusted me this much. I started crying. That wasn't good. I was trying to prove to him that I was strong enough for this and I started crying? I couldn't let him send me away again! I just couldn't. I didn't know what he would do if he was alone again. I also didn't know how I would cope.

"Clary, it's okay. Just cry."  
"What?" I was so confused!  
"I'm not gonna send you away. I need you. I-" he closed his eyes to think of what he was trying to say.  
"You can leave if you want. I wouldn't blame you a bit. It would be the smart thing to do."  
I smiled through my tears. "I'm not smart."  
"I know. And I love your stupidity."  
"Jace." I whispered.  
"Listen, I know its hard for you, taking care of me. And I can be an ass sometimes..."  
"Sometimes?"  
He rolled his eyes. "Fine about 80% of the time."

I smiled again. Still crying, his eyes were shining with tears also.  
"But I can still take care of you too. You can't treat me like I can't take it."  
I lost it. Sobbing into his shoulder. He just held me as I let out all the fear and worry I'd felt the past week and before.  
When I calmed down he kissed the tears from my cheeks. I saw he also had tear tracks running down his face. But I didn't call attention to them, not right now. He needed to be the strong one right now, and I was glad he needed it, I needed it too.  
Along time and a few kisses latter I was snuggled up next to him. We were both half asleep.  
"Clary you still up?"  
I could hear the excitement in his voice. "Yea."  
"I get to try getting out of bed tomorrow."  
"I'll be there." I smiled. It was good to hear his excitement. "Can I sleep now?"  
He laughed, "Yes. I'm gonna wake you up early. So you better sleep now."  
"Oh God." I complained snuggling closer. Then I was asleep, but not before I heard him whisper. "We're gonna be okay now."  
I'd been telling him that over and over and it wasn't till I heard him said it that realized I'd never really believed it. I did now though.  
**  
Sorry It's kinda shot, I didn't want to make you forever and ever again though. What did you think?  
Review for a sneak peek. :)  
P.S. I send out the sneak peeks as soon as I have something worth sending. **


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Let me know what you think of this chapter. I have to last chapter all planned out in my head I'm having trouble getting there. It took me awhile to get this to the point where I'm somewhat happy with it. But if ou have any suggestions for improvement or any ideas for the story ****_please, please, PLEAS_****E let me know in a review or a PM.**

**Songs for this chapter are Get Up by Superchic(k), Get back up by TobyMac and The Unavoidable Battle of Beliefs(On the Inside) by FM Static (so I clearly don't own the chapter name.**

"Okay try to sit up." Alec was there to help me if I needed him. I had finally gone long enough without an attack that they were "allowing" me to get up. Okay so ummm maybe I was supposed to have been lying flat most of this time except for when someone helped me up and propped me up with pillows...yea that didn't really happen. Clary had tried but I think she figured it was more important to keep me calm. I knew she was right. Thing was now she was doubting herself.

"Ummm Alec? He might have been sitting up on his own like this whole time...I didn't want to fight him. I thought it was better to just let him..." she looked at me. "Why can't you ever do as you're told?"

"If he did he wouldn't really be Jace. He would be like an alien or something pretending to be Jace."

"That." I agreed laughing at Alec's stupidity. I felt like an idiot, it shouldn't be this much work to get out of bed! I don't care what happened to me, I should still be stronger than this! It was killing me to have Clary see me this weak, but I knew she'd seen worse what with my breakdowns... but that stupid little voice was back. Telling me to just give up. That I clearly couldn't live like this. But I wasn't going tolisten to it. I needed to focus. Clary needed me to pull it together. Yea I know I promised her I would talk to her about shit (not literally about shit) but I needed to be there for her too. What girl wants a boyfriend who's too weak to protect her, or in the case too weak to even take her to the movies not to mention get out of bed! Last night when she had started crying I realized that I needed to go back to faking okay. Not like before, I still planned on letting her know when I felt numb. But I needed to be strong most of the time. And telling her about my childhood? While I still wanted to do that. I didn't know why but she had seemed so relieved that there were good parts I wanted to share them with her. I'd already shared two of the worst parts. I needed to share some of the good parts too. But right now she needed to see me happy, laughing, even if that's not what I was feeling. I could breakdown later when it was just the two of us. Not now. Not with Alec there. Not with Izzy there. Izzy? When had she gotten there? What was I? Some kind of freak show apparently. Great. Just great.

"Why are you here? I mean I know I'm amazing and everyone is drawn to my awesomeness against their will but really?"

"Chill Jace. I thought you might need another cheerleader."

I realized she was holding pom poms...what is wrong with my sister?

"Iz?"  
"Yes?"  
"You have some serious problems."  
"Why would a shadowhunter even have pompoms in the first place?"  
Clary had a very good point with that one.

"I have my ways."  
One look at her told me I really didn't want to know what her ways were. Alec must have been thinking the same thing.  
"Don't tell me and I won't tell the clave."

"So you tell them everything?" Isabelle challenged. I rolled my eyes, clearly he didn't or I would be out of the clave. He didn't right? I glanced at him, freaking out a little.

"Well if you're murderering munddies and taking their pompoms I kinda don't have a choice." he noticed me looking at him, it was clearly one of those slightly creepy times when he could read my mind.

"Chill I'm not telling. Not about this anyway." I think he added the last part in case I did something illegal in the future, you know so I couldn't say that he had promised not to tell on me. Smart boy.

"So I can kill munddies and take their pompoms?"

"I wasn't talking to you. And you're not killing munddies. Right?"

"Come on Alec! This is me you're taking to! You're not really doubting me are you?"

"Well this is you I'm talking to..."

I took advantage of my messed up sister's distraction. I struggled into a sitting position while Alec and Izzy were arguing. I glanced over at Clary and saw that she was still watching me.  
"You okay?" She whispered knowing I was trying not to draw the others attention.  
I was panting slightly and felt like lying back down would be like the best thing ever.  
I gave her my most winning smile. "Of course." I used to never lie. Now though I was always lying, but I wanted it to be true so badly it almost didn't feel like a lie.  
"Lier." she replied. She was was right and she knew it but her voice was light and I knew she was teasing me. I was glad she was also trying to lighten the mood. I was pretty sure by the time I was standing up I'd be too tired and in too much pain to be anything other than the world's biggest ass whole.

I stuck my tongue out at her and she smiled. I wondered again what I ever did to get such an amazing girlfriend. Oh that's right I was so full of awesomeness that I was the only one who came close to being good enough for her, except maybe Alec..but since he's gay that left me.

"Can you get her outta here for me? Please?"

"How do I keep her out? Tie her up?"

"Go shopping with her or something? Please? I'll owe you one."

"Shopping? With her? You'll owe me like one hundred times over! Plus if I do that I'll..." she trailed off and I knew she realized I was trying to get her out too.

"Jace..." then she seemed to rethink what she was going to say.  
"If that's what you want."

"It is."

She nodded and walked over to Izzy. I watched as she pulled her away from Alec and talked quietly with her for a minute. Then the two of them left, but not before Clary came back to kiss me goodbye. Again I ask what did I ever do that earned me this?

"What was that about?" Alec asked bluntly.

"Nothing." I didn't want her to see me struggling. She didn't realize how weak I was. How much it hurt me to sit up, or even wrap her in my arms and hold her. I still had to hold her though, not doing so hurt worse, even if it wasn't technically a physical pain. Last night holding her while she cried it had been almost impossible to keep from showing the pain she caused by laying her head on me, as careful as I know she was it hurt like hell. But not as much as knowing it was my fault she was crying and not holding would have.

"You're in worse shape than she thinks aren't you?"

I just looked at him. I saw no point in denying it. It's not like he would believe me.

"Jace, you need to let me know how bad it really is. If you need to wait a few more days..."

No! No, no, no. I couldn't stand this anymore. I needed to get up! If didn't hurt so bad I would have been up long ago. I realized now that before -when I had been able to jump up and ran to the window- that had been the poison giving me strength. Once it left me I was hardly able to sit up.

"Alec no. I'll be fine. I just need to do this alone."

He looked at me, his face full of worry but he nodded.  
"Fine but I'm not leaving."

"I don't think you understand the meaning of "alone."

"I don't think you understand the meaning of parabati or brother."

I did. He was the definition of both those things. I didn't tell him that though. I couldn't. I didn't know how even if I wanted to. Instead I looked at him and said something almost as hard to say.  
"Thanks."  
He nodded. He knew I meant more than that one word or any number of words could say. He also knew that I couldn't say more. Not without a breakdown and I didn't really feel like having a breakdown just then.

It killed me to see Jace like this. I knew he had sent the girls out cuz he couldn't stand to have them see him like this, especially Clary. Once again he had chosen me to be with him when he needed someone but would rather be alone. It was good to know that he trusted me. He was one of the few who did. Everyone else thought I was no good. If it wasn't for the way he stood up for me no matter what I could see myself slipping into depression too. Even though I was gay..something no shadow hunter should be he was always there for me. As much as I didn't want him to go through this I liked being able to help him. Being his first choice when he needed help was something that kept me from despair when people gave me dirty looks, acted like I couldn't hear them talking about me and even walked up to me and said stuff to my face. Although thanks to Jace people were starting to be scared of showing outright hatred toward me. Without him though...

Given what I was I felt awkward saying what I knew I had to say next. Especially since he knew about the crush I used to have on him. But I had to do it.

"Take your shirt off."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Let me see how bad it is."

"Does Magnus know you go around asking other men to take their shirts off?"

I felt my face turn bright red.  
"Jace."

He sighed. "I hate you."

"Yea I know. I hate you too so just do as you're told."

With great effort he got his shirt off. I wanted to help him but I knew better. He wouldn't let me and offering would only put him in a bad mood - or a worse one anyway. Not something I wanted to deal with. Not something he needed.

Oh my God! This was way worse than I expected.  
"Jace?" I tried to keep my voice from shaking. "How are you not screaming in pain right now?" was what I wanted to say, but what I said was, "Let me try a rune."

"They won't work. I tried it already. Obviously."  
I closed my eyes for a moment. I had to do something! Just looking at it made me want to cry out in pain!

He looked at me calmly.  
"They are healing Alec. You saw them when I... Well you saw them at first. It's just gonna take awhile and Clary doesn't need to worry more."

"Jace, for God's sake! You're bleeding!"  
He looked down and his eyes widened a bit, a few of the wounds had opened up again from him moving around just now. All he said was, "Yeah that happens."

I rolled my eyes. If he could just stop trying to act like it was fine! Like he wasn't worried that he was healing at mundie speed...well it really wouldn't change anything...at all...but at least if he was letting on how he really felt I wouldn't have to constantly worry that he was about to try to kill himself again.

...

Alec wiped away the blood with a soft cloth. As shadow hunters we were both used to blood but I knew that how slowly I was healing freaked him out. Honestly? It freaked me out too.  
"Let me bandage it."  
It wasn't really a question, I didn't think I really had a choice, he was gonna do it no matter what I said so I just I nodded.

Once he done fussing over me I announced, "I'm standing up now." Before he could protest I swung my legs over of the bed and tried to stand.

Alec grabbed me just before I fell.

"I'm fine. Let me go." Why was I even bothering? He wasn't stupid. He knew I couldn't stand alone.

Instead of pointing that point though he helped me regain my balance.

"You can do it."

"Well I know that."

He rolled his eyes. How in hell did he know I needed reassurance?  
I took at step and didn't fall over! I felt a smile tug at my face. Not falling over shouldn't make me this happy, but for some unknown reason it did.

Alec started applauding and I laughed. Not a fake laugh like when I had been trying to be happy for Clary's sake, but a real one.

I walked all the way around my bedroom before stumbling again.

"Jace." Alec's voice was warning. "You don't want to over do it."  
"One more time."  
"No get in bed and you can do it again later."

"Then what am I supposed to do now?"

He made a face. "School work. Mom gave us each a pile of crap to do. I have math. Help me? Please."  
With Hoge gone we only had to do school when mom remembered to tell us to. Unfortunately today was one of those days.

The next few hours we almost peaceful, no screaming or squealing coming from Izzy, no demons trying to kill us, no needing to be strong for Clary. Just sitting in my room helping Alec with his math and having him help me study demon languages. It was nice, it felt normal.I was a shadowhunter, I had more angel blood then I should, I had died and been brought back by the angle, some random and incredibly irritating long dead relative had told me in a dream that I would save the world...normal was a rare treat and I was going to enjoy it while I could.

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